Weeping weekend

I’ve neglected this blog. Not because I’ve lost interest, I’ve just been very busy with life in a new city – I’ve been in Johannesburg for 7 months, is that still new? 
Work, life and love have consumed my life and I cannot remember the last time I had time to myself to write or read other blogs. 
Today time stands still, I don’t care about having time to work or fulfill other obligations and commitments. 
This weekend I lost a family member. My dog, Macy. She’s been in my life for 15 years. That is more than half my life and I’m taking this time to reflect and grieve. 
I have never weeped like I’ve weeped this weekend. 
On Saturday morning, 16 July 2016, I arrived in Durban. Two hours later, Macy was unable to move or walk. I sat with her for an hour and a half, not wanting to move her as she’s old and fragile. I wanted her to get her strength back and I’d sit with her until she did. She looked at me with her sad brown eyes and moaned. It was the most heart wrenching noise and I knew something was not right…. 
I had to say my goodbyes to her at the vet. I cried and cried and cried and then I kissed her and put my head on her little body and cried more. 
Honestly, on the way to the vet, I thought she’d come back home with me. 
I know she was old and her time was coming but I never expected it. 

My mom says she waited for me to come back to Durban so I could say goodbye. That’s sentimental bullshit but I believe it. 

5 May 2001 – 16 July 2016 

RIP my sweet, sweet girl. 


Dogs are family. 
Dogs are blessings. 

 

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Endings and Beginnings

It has been a while since I’ve blogged. It’s 2016 and the new year brings a new adventure – quite literally, I am not talking mumbo jumbo new year nonsense, this is a HUGE year for me.

I am making some changes in my life, I have been in a long distance relationship with the most amazing man for a year now, but I just can’t do it anymore. It is emotionally taxing at times and a simple embrace or a face to face conversation between lovers is a luxury that I cannot have at a whim… Perhaps I am too fussy but after a year, I have had it! So I am ending it. Just. like. that.

So my long distance relationship ends and my new adventure begins….

I will be living in a new city later this week and kicking off my legal career the following week so I am definitely packing my big girl panties.

The most daunting aspect of moving to a new city is living by myself – no mom or dad to cook for me or wake me up before the alarm or save me from flying cockroaches……….. terrifying thought but even cockroaches cannot dampen my spirits. I am beyond excited, and my jaw is sore from the wide smile that dominates my face.

I am positively beaming and the new job and new-found independence is not the only reason for my delight. The termination of my long distance relationship is a result of the decision to move to my boyfriend’s city! I was lucky enough to get into my dream law firm which has an office in his city. MEGA WIN.

 

Happy-love glow 

Over the last two days, I’ve had a few guys who have suddenly taken a liking to me, these are guys who I have known for a while – and I’ve even had a crush on one of them, obviously he hadn’t seen me in that romantic light that I had envisioned. He was my flame for a moment, but he never bothered to sweep me off my feet. And suddenly, he sees me! Yay!! Right? 

But I have a boyfriend – and I love this man – so much that I don’t even care that my previous crush wants me, I don’t even have a secret sense of satisfaction, I’m completely indifferent.

  

 Have you ever noticed that nobody wants you when you’re single but everyone wants you when you’re in a relationship? It is true, people are attracted to the happy-love glow you’re exuding. 

Do NOT fall for the people who suddenly want you, they’re attracted to your happiness and confidence that you have because your significant other loves you so well. You know, it’s true about confidence being sexy and that a happy face is always a pretty face. 

Don’t give in to someone else’s fleeting desire when you’ve struck gold. You’re already sitting with the jackpot, why gamble? 

I don’t know about you, but I would rather be wanted and desired by one man who genuinely loves me, than masses of men who are turned on by my happy-love glow until they gravitate towards someone else’s glow. 

Jealousea

I’m sinking. 

I don’t know how else to describe this feeling – a chilling, sinking feeling that starts in my belly and washes over my entire body – like diarrhoea, not a pleasant summer shower.

I am jealous yet I have nothing to be jealous about – rationally and logically I know this. But instinctively, I become very jealous – and I don’t push the feeling out of my mind; instead, I cradle it. I nurture it until it’s strong enough to destroy me…. Only kidding. I am able to let it go easily and it certainly does feel like a weight off my shoulders. I do this by taking step outside myself to think rationally, then it’s crystal clear that there’s no reason for the green monster. 

What bothers me is that I go there in the first place. 

I often wonder if these moments of jealousy are worth it; it stems from loving someone obsessively. Of course it is… I reminds us not to take what we have for granted and forces us to find our inner strength and confidence or else we will drown. We’ve got to learn how to swim through turbulent jealouseas.   

It’s not fun but it is normal. Excessive jealously leads to irrationality. Just remember to always take a step back and think logically. 
Another useful thing to remember is that unless you’re crying or dancing, never to do anything when you’re emotionally charged. So if you’re angry, hurt, jealous, euphoric, etc – do not make promises or threats. 

I nose best! 

  

I’ve been really busy lately… But I thought it would be good to take time to write and reflect on my life, so this is an update on my self growth, self love & self acceptance. 

At one point, my nose seemed too big, and I hated taking photographs because I felt ugly! It’s a horrible feeling, but I don’t hate my jumbo nose anymore because there’s no point in hating what you can’t change (non-surgically) 😝 however, lucky for us girls, there’s contouring! So please comment/refer me to some great make up blogs. I’d appreciate it. 

Seriously though, I’m so happy with myself right now. I passed my exams well; I’m starting a business; I am with the man of my dreams (although, if you read previous posts you will understand that it’s complicated – BUT ITS STILL FEELS LIKE MAGIC); and I feel comfortable in my skin – genuinely comfortable for the first time. 

I love my skin tone, I like the way my nose sits on my face and the curve of my lip… And my tiger strips (stretch marks) add character & keep me humble 😝

My focus has shifted from changing myself, to improving myself. 
Side note – don’t you think that it’s pretty unfair that most men don’t have a problem with stretch marks and cellulite regardless of their weight or shape… Ever looked at your boyfriend’s bum and it’s flawless?  I mean YAY because he’s yours but OMG ENVY because we ladies have to marinade ourselves in bio oil and cellulite gels.  

Side side note – I just wanted to mention boyfriend and bums because mine’s got a nice one! Gosh how inappropriate I am 😉 

A much needed break 

Everyone needs to experience a heartbreak. It’s rejuvenating.

When you go through a heartbreak, your world falls apart. It is devastating and you you’re drowning in a sea of emotions – betrayal, insecurity, sadness. You aren’t sure if the pain will kill your or make you stronger.

From experience, I can tell you that the pain does in fact kill you. It kills the weak part of you and it is a slow, painful death. People deal with loss in many ways, some turn to extreme behavior while others sulk for months. Regardless, you will find that after this tragedy, all that’s left is a stronger, sexier NEW YOU.

Heart breaks occur to everyone, a break up horror story is like a horoscope prediction – no matter your star sign, its all applicable to you at some point of your life. It’s so general even when it feels so personal.

My first and worst heartbreak happened so fast. It happened over a weekend, he loved me on the Friday and on Saturday he stood me up, on Sunday he told me we were over. Swift hey. I was distraught and confused.

I did not get an explanation why his heart rejected mine. What he did give me was a web of lies – and he soon became entangled in his lies and naturally, became defensive.Typical. He abused me verbally and emotionally. My cruel first love whom I loved so intensely and so unconditionally showed no mercy.

Argh, insert pathetic messages and feelings of wanting to die.

A part of me died (and thank God, the pathetic me died, so I’m left with 100% awesome), but it has made me who I am today. I am smarter, more confident and I know how to handle my feelings in a mature manner.

Never be afraid to give your whole heart to someone, don’t fear the heartbreak, if it happens, its a much needed break. I speak about mine so casually, but at the time it felt like I was being skinned alive. It was brutal but I got over it and so does everyone else.

Love, and love hard.