Weeping weekend

I’ve neglected this blog. Not because I’ve lost interest, I’ve just been very busy with life in a new city – I’ve been in Johannesburg for 7 months, is that still new? 
Work, life and love have consumed my life and I cannot remember the last time I had time to myself to write or read other blogs. 
Today time stands still, I don’t care about having time to work or fulfill other obligations and commitments. 
This weekend I lost a family member. My dog, Macy. She’s been in my life for 15 years. That is more than half my life and I’m taking this time to reflect and grieve. 
I have never weeped like I’ve weeped this weekend. 
On Saturday morning, 16 July 2016, I arrived in Durban. Two hours later, Macy was unable to move or walk. I sat with her for an hour and a half, not wanting to move her as she’s old and fragile. I wanted her to get her strength back and I’d sit with her until she did. She looked at me with her sad brown eyes and moaned. It was the most heart wrenching noise and I knew something was not right…. 
I had to say my goodbyes to her at the vet. I cried and cried and cried and then I kissed her and put my head on her little body and cried more. 
Honestly, on the way to the vet, I thought she’d come back home with me. 
I know she was old and her time was coming but I never expected it. 

My mom says she waited for me to come back to Durban so I could say goodbye. That’s sentimental bullshit but I believe it. 

5 May 2001 – 16 July 2016 

RIP my sweet, sweet girl. 


Dogs are family. 
Dogs are blessings. 

 

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Jealousea

I’m sinking. 

I don’t know how else to describe this feeling – a chilling, sinking feeling that starts in my belly and washes over my entire body – like diarrhoea, not a pleasant summer shower.

I am jealous yet I have nothing to be jealous about – rationally and logically I know this. But instinctively, I become very jealous – and I don’t push the feeling out of my mind; instead, I cradle it. I nurture it until it’s strong enough to destroy me…. Only kidding. I am able to let it go easily and it certainly does feel like a weight off my shoulders. I do this by taking step outside myself to think rationally, then it’s crystal clear that there’s no reason for the green monster. 

What bothers me is that I go there in the first place. 

I often wonder if these moments of jealousy are worth it; it stems from loving someone obsessively. Of course it is… I reminds us not to take what we have for granted and forces us to find our inner strength and confidence or else we will drown. We’ve got to learn how to swim through turbulent jealouseas.   

It’s not fun but it is normal. Excessive jealously leads to irrationality. Just remember to always take a step back and think logically. 
Another useful thing to remember is that unless you’re crying or dancing, never to do anything when you’re emotionally charged. So if you’re angry, hurt, jealous, euphoric, etc – do not make promises or threats. 

A much needed break 

Everyone needs to experience a heartbreak. It’s rejuvenating.

When you go through a heartbreak, your world falls apart. It is devastating and you you’re drowning in a sea of emotions – betrayal, insecurity, sadness. You aren’t sure if the pain will kill your or make you stronger.

From experience, I can tell you that the pain does in fact kill you. It kills the weak part of you and it is a slow, painful death. People deal with loss in many ways, some turn to extreme behavior while others sulk for months. Regardless, you will find that after this tragedy, all that’s left is a stronger, sexier NEW YOU.

Heart breaks occur to everyone, a break up horror story is like a horoscope prediction – no matter your star sign, its all applicable to you at some point of your life. It’s so general even when it feels so personal.

My first and worst heartbreak happened so fast. It happened over a weekend, he loved me on the Friday and on Saturday he stood me up, on Sunday he told me we were over. Swift hey. I was distraught and confused.

I did not get an explanation why his heart rejected mine. What he did give me was a web of lies – and he soon became entangled in his lies and naturally, became defensive.Typical. He abused me verbally and emotionally. My cruel first love whom I loved so intensely and so unconditionally showed no mercy.

Argh, insert pathetic messages and feelings of wanting to die.

A part of me died (and thank God, the pathetic me died, so I’m left with 100% awesome), but it has made me who I am today. I am smarter, more confident and I know how to handle my feelings in a mature manner.

Never be afraid to give your whole heart to someone, don’t fear the heartbreak, if it happens, its a much needed break. I speak about mine so casually, but at the time it felt like I was being skinned alive. It was brutal but I got over it and so does everyone else.

Love, and love hard.

All aboard

Entrepreneurship – The only ship worth boarding.

Starting a business is easy, keeping it afloat is the difficult part – there are MILLIONS of things to do and ideas shoot out of me like a bullets from a pistol in the hands of a trigger happy fanatic who drank too much and who’s waving it around like he just doesn’t care (phew that’s a mouthful) my point- ideas are easy. You need the drive and the passion to follow it through. You need to be wholly invested in an idea and that is the hardest part.

I started a business in high-school, made a profit and closed shop. It was small, but that freedom of being financially independent (not having to ask for an advance on my allowance) stuck with me. Since then, I have always wanted to have something of my own – but I have never been so determined about this until recently, when the thought of having someone else dictate how many hours I should work and how to work felt suffocating. Of course, I do not mind working, I welcome it – it’s the best way to learn and improve skills, however, if there is one thing I value, it’s making my own decisions – and how I spend my time is a very important decision.

Distance learning has enabled me to study however and whenever I wanted to – in my pajamas; on the floor; day or night; before bed; on the beach… and so on. I crave a career that allows me this freedom, I would much rather invest 168 hours a week on my own business, than 45 hours a week on someone else’s. Wouldn’t you?

 

Bound by your thoughts

“Whether you think you can or you can’t – you’re right”

– Henry Ford

Have you ever felt trapped inside your head? Shackled by your doubts and insecurities? One moment you’re on the verge of doing something new or outside your comfort zone – whether it is getting started on a goal or spontaneously attempting a ride a wave, you feel motivated and your adrenalin is pumping – and the next moment you feel like you’re being smothered. A menacing laugh thunders into your ears and doubt pours hard. When the storm is over, the aftermath is infinitely worse, that voice you’re all too familiar with, vehemently chides you “give up now, you’re useless and you will fail” – that voice belongs to you. You are drowning in your own doubt.

Your mind can be your greatest ally, propelling you forward or it can be your worst nightmare – a hostage taker trapping you inside your own head. You do not have to be a believer of “the secret” phenomenon to know that if you believe you can’t do something – you will not be able to do it simply because you will not try. However, if you believe that you can do something, you will do it, sometimes not instantaneously – but you will work towards it.

When my best friend coerced me into joining the gym with her, I was uninterested and demotivated. Then, after a year I noticed gradual changes in my body and I was inspired to work harder and see bigger improvements. I was much stronger and confident but when I attempted to try something new, I froze. I hated the treadmill, I referred to it as the “dreadmill” and running had always been a challenge. So how on earth did I run 15km in the bush?

Running, and more specifically, trail running intimidated me, “you will not be able to keep up, you will fall and embarrass yourself, and you will finish last.” My dark passenger refused to let me try. But I did not succumb.

I bluffed.

I told myself, quite unconvincingly at first, that I can do it. I affirmed over and over again until I truly believed I could, so all I had to do was attempt it.

I did, and after a gruelling 5 minutes, wanted to quit. I bluffed again – just 5 more minutes. Every muscle in my legs awakened and they were pissed off with me, my legs burned. My chest ached and I fought for each breath but I succeeded, 2km first, then 5km and eventually 15km. It may seem like a small feat, but it was my biggest lesson. Your body can do whatever your mind says it can, so train your mind to be your ally.