Growing pains

We are halfway through 2015 and I have achieved a tremendous amount of personal growth already.

I have always been afraid to think about my wants, desires and dreams. I feared it would just disappoint me if they never materialized. This fear seemed alive – domineering, breathing down my neck, chasing after me… While others affirmed their desires, I hid in the background. For my fear of disappointment stood in the forefront, jubilant and intimidating –  a destructive force waiting to shove my dreams down my throat and I cowered from the abuse my subconscious subjected me to. So, I consider myself reckless (and brave) for saying that I want to travel; I want to be loved, I want to feel needed and looked after; I want to own a business; I want to be successful… I want I want I want

And I WILL.

I started to affirm little things like wanting to have a positive relationship with everyone around me, and four years later, my ex messages me – he apologized and wanted to be on good terms. We are friends and it makes me happy.

My current boyfriend, is not a boy at all, he is older. I was afraid to let people know, I feared judgment. I feared that people will think he is having a midlife crisis, and that I am a gold digger… until I realized that I have become a confident woman who fears no judgment. I am happy, loved and treated with dignity and respect.

I have wondered why interviewers love me, offer me jobs but it never works out in the end. It can be disheartening, I feared I am not good enough, but I have recently been told that I am a very enterprising individual and I am going to take the leap…

…into an abyss of dreams, hope, bravery.

2015, you have been a year of lessons, and there is 6 months left, I am excited to see what more is in store!

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A much needed break 

Everyone needs to experience a heartbreak. It’s rejuvenating.

When you go through a heartbreak, your world falls apart. It is devastating and you you’re drowning in a sea of emotions – betrayal, insecurity, sadness. You aren’t sure if the pain will kill your or make you stronger.

From experience, I can tell you that the pain does in fact kill you. It kills the weak part of you and it is a slow, painful death. People deal with loss in many ways, some turn to extreme behavior while others sulk for months. Regardless, you will find that after this tragedy, all that’s left is a stronger, sexier NEW YOU.

Heart breaks occur to everyone, a break up horror story is like a horoscope prediction – no matter your star sign, its all applicable to you at some point of your life. It’s so general even when it feels so personal.

My first and worst heartbreak happened so fast. It happened over a weekend, he loved me on the Friday and on Saturday he stood me up, on Sunday he told me we were over. Swift hey. I was distraught and confused.

I did not get an explanation why his heart rejected mine. What he did give me was a web of lies – and he soon became entangled in his lies and naturally, became defensive.Typical. He abused me verbally and emotionally. My cruel first love whom I loved so intensely and so unconditionally showed no mercy.

Argh, insert pathetic messages and feelings of wanting to die.

A part of me died (and thank God, the pathetic me died, so I’m left with 100% awesome), but it has made me who I am today. I am smarter, more confident and I know how to handle my feelings in a mature manner.

Never be afraid to give your whole heart to someone, don’t fear the heartbreak, if it happens, its a much needed break. I speak about mine so casually, but at the time it felt like I was being skinned alive. It was brutal but I got over it and so does everyone else.

Love, and love hard.