Endings and Beginnings

It has been a while since I’ve blogged. It’s 2016 and the new year brings a new adventure – quite literally, I am not talking mumbo jumbo new year nonsense, this is a HUGE year for me.

I am making some changes in my life, I have been in a long distance relationship with the most amazing man for a year now, but I just can’t do it anymore. It is emotionally taxing at times and a simple embrace or a face to face conversation between lovers is a luxury that I cannot have at a whim… Perhaps I am too fussy but after a year, I have had it! So I am ending it. Just. like. that.

So my long distance relationship ends and my new adventure begins….

I will be living in a new city later this week and kicking off my legal career the following week so I am definitely packing my big girl panties.

The most daunting aspect of moving to a new city is living by myself – no mom or dad to cook for me or wake me up before the alarm or save me from flying cockroaches……….. terrifying thought but even cockroaches cannot dampen my spirits. I am beyond excited, and my jaw is sore from the wide smile that dominates my face.

I am positively beaming and the new job and new-found independence is not the only reason for my delight. The termination of my long distance relationship is a result of the decision to move to my boyfriend’s city! I was lucky enough to get into my dream law firm which has an office in his city. MEGA WIN.

 

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Happy-love glow 

Over the last two days, I’ve had a few guys who have suddenly taken a liking to me, these are guys who I have known for a while – and I’ve even had a crush on one of them, obviously he hadn’t seen me in that romantic light that I had envisioned. He was my flame for a moment, but he never bothered to sweep me off my feet. And suddenly, he sees me! Yay!! Right? 

But I have a boyfriend – and I love this man – so much that I don’t even care that my previous crush wants me, I don’t even have a secret sense of satisfaction, I’m completely indifferent.

  

 Have you ever noticed that nobody wants you when you’re single but everyone wants you when you’re in a relationship? It is true, people are attracted to the happy-love glow you’re exuding. 

Do NOT fall for the people who suddenly want you, they’re attracted to your happiness and confidence that you have because your significant other loves you so well. You know, it’s true about confidence being sexy and that a happy face is always a pretty face. 

Don’t give in to someone else’s fleeting desire when you’ve struck gold. You’re already sitting with the jackpot, why gamble? 

I don’t know about you, but I would rather be wanted and desired by one man who genuinely loves me, than masses of men who are turned on by my happy-love glow until they gravitate towards someone else’s glow. 

(un)loved

“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”

– Sri Chinmoy

 

 

I have felt wanted, I have felt needed, but never have I felt loved. Until now. It is a glorious feeling,  and I am grateful.

From a stranger to someone I cannot stop thinking about

sunset-moon-joe-bonita

sunset-moon by Joe Bonita

I have spent hours thinking about how to start this piece. How can I adequately describe my relationship with you? It started so swiftly, it progressed and developed so intensely… I can only do injustice to its explanation.

So (while I think) let me talk about the sunset I watched this evening… I am currently sitting in darkness so it feels like the sky transformed from clear bright blue to a devastating black within seconds (load shedding means no streetlights so yes, it is very very dark), still, it is beautiful, but have you seen the death of a star? Dazzling and destructive, so could this be the same?  What if the Sun fights a battle everyday – wanting to share the sky with the Moon (obviously the Sun and Moon are in the sky but the poor fellow is never close enough to fill her craters), wanting to be close to her and every night he loses  – if he didn’t, we would all be blinded by their love. Every day he bleeds into the sky – clear blue stained with fiery hues of orange and yellow to pink. His pain lingers while we photograph his shame, and clink our glasses to his defeat and exclaim… “Ah! What a lovely sunset”.  Maybe I should gulp down the remains of my glass of wine, the word “love” just slipped out of me like a flaccid penis. Argh.

 

Well its quiet now, no sounds of the TV or music and a blanket of darkness sweeps across the sky, adorned with shimmering stars twinkling in the distance, but they’re soon smothered by a cushion of fast approaching heavy clouds; I can smell a summer storm on its way.

After what seems like hours, the Moon finally penetrates the darkness, a lonely illumination above the clouds and heavy drops follow (I can’t look up; fat droplets are pounding my cornea).

 

Anyway, like the Sun and Moon in this made-up story, you and I want the same thing. We want to be in the same space (close enough to fill craters). We have a spark that shines so brightly the stars wonder what on earth shines as bright as the Moon. Its’s crazy to think that a year ago, we were strangers, barely aware of each other’s existence and now you are fundamental to my existence. Days and days passed and it never faded, if anything, you feed my fire… from the first “hello” to the last “goodnight”.

After all these months you ought to call yourself an arsonist. Your heat excites me, I’m glowing and I probably don’t realize I’m burning to the ground.

You are beautiful and you are stubborn, refusing to let go of my attention and claiming it as your own. When I try to pull away (yes I have tried) it hurts me – a proper physical assault, I have taken a beating more than a few times, too afraid to get close but unable to pry open your grip. I have learnt that some things cannot be controlled. You’re a wildfire. The way you creep under my skin is frightening, the way your fingers fit between mine is terrifying… it’s almost like you belong with me. I will burn for you.

Tempest

 You drifted into my space, like a  gentle breeze I welcomed in the  sweltering heat, with a cool grace  and weightlessness yet you  knocked me off my feet – a  hurricane, violently breaking  down my barriers, obliterating  my fears and insecurities. Leaving  their dismembered remains at my  feet and leaving me on my  backside, in a whirlwind of  emotion. If I ride the storm, will  you promise not to replace my  fears with new ones?